I had forgotten. How much? I can’t even begin to wonder. Things in my head were running amok.
I observed the others more intently, with a different perspective than before I spoke to the pigeon. We all looked nervous, impatient and with a certain sense of resignation.
I tried hard to concentrate on my feelings like the pigeon said. I closed my eyes and took a few deep breaths. The epiphany came. I felt regret. I felt I wanted to do something but stopped. Inaction. It was something that slipped away, and I didn’t do anything about it. I wondered what that could be? I wondered if I was reading too much into my feelings and making things up.
“This isn’t a place of logic or reason. The more you reason, the sillier you will feel.” I pouted at the thought of the pigeons words echoing in my brain.
I sighed because I didn’t want to be in this place forever. I wanted to do something more productive than just stand around and dwell on my feelings. Augh! Another surge of impatience. This place was torture, I thought, knowing that this still wasn’t considered hell, was scary.
A train came, and a woman that had just arrived to wait with us went right in. She walked on by with a cavalier smile and no hesitation in her step. I felt mocked by her stance as she walked by. Then once more I circled back to my feelings, this time adding envy and anger to the mix of regret, impatience and fear.
“What am I suppose to do with these feelings?“ I snarled as I spoke to myself.
My feelings kept circling back at me as if we were friends that had had a spat and were trying to make amends.
“Listen to the feelings in your heart,” the pigeons voice once again interrupted my thoughts in a whisper.
Suddenly, a man that was waiting with us lost his composure and jumped in front of the train before the train had a chance to leave. The woman that went in smiling got out. Her demeanor was pleasant and peaceful. She reached down toward the man and held her hand out to him.
“You are being silly. Why are you just laying there?” she said.
“I just want this all to end and never come back,” he said.
The woman cackled at him.
“What you are trying to do won’t work here, and even if it did, you would just come back here feeling worse than you do now. Come, hold my hand. Let me help you.”
When the man got up from the tracks, the woman embraced him with a sense of soothing compassion.
“I am just too afraid to go,” said the man with watery eyes.
“You can be scared if you want to, but I will hold your hand until you feel better,” said the woman.
“Don’t you have to go?”
“You can come with me if you like.”
The man looked at her hopeful, and with small, slow and deliberate steps walked with the woman onto the train. The train flashed the intense light from the inside once more and departed like a torpedo.
After seeing the man overcome his fear. It inspired me to be finally ready. I chose to do a personal mission rather than an altruistic one. Whatever sense of regret I felt I desperately wanted to solve it. As soon as my thoughts were truly felt in my heart did another train appear, this time, it beckoned me to go in. Each leg moved forward one solid step at a time.
‘We are waiting for you on the other side,” I heard familiar voices calling out to me. I was on the train with a few others, and as we were about to depart bright lights emanated from each of our chests. The light was so intense it was blinding.
In a flash of light, our train sped away to our destinations.
I was surrounded by liquid, swimming in mothers belly. I was waiting again, only this time, to be born.